


a beautiful hallucination

by tomkitty



Category: Gotham (TV)
Genre: M/M, hallucination oswald, i made ed cry... again
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-20
Updated: 2017-04-20
Packaged: 2018-10-21 11:08:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,701
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10684050
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tomkitty/pseuds/tomkitty
Summary: Another hallucination Oswald fic.





	a beautiful hallucination

**Author's Note:**

> So this sucks. I'm only posting it up because I spent way too much time working on it and there are a few bits that I am kinda proud of but, for the most part this sucks. It's choppy af and doesn't have a whole lot in terms of explaining what's going on, the time jumps are ridiculous but it's whatever. I started writing it in February but stopped around mid March and only recently came back to it and was like, well this is terrible. But yeah I did like certain parts so I just wanted to put it out there. 
> 
> It's incomplete. As far as the middle goes. It's missing SO. MUCH. PLOT. But like I said. I just wanted to put it out.
> 
> No beta. Any and all mistake are my own.

The first time caught him off guard. He was at his recently acquired apartment, different from the one he had while working with Barbara, but it looked similar to the apartment he owned before. He wasn’t stupid. He knew, now that Oswald was dead it was only a matter of time before they came after him. It was best to distance himself from the trio as soon as possible. He had his own empire to build after all. 

As Ed sat making plans he couldn’t seem to push the man from his mind. Every time he thought he was getting somewhere in his scheme he’d find a roadblock and he found his traitor of a mind wondering, ‘what would Oswald do in this situation?’ Ed sighed and ran a hand through his hair. He needed to clear his head. Taking his glasses off, he made his way to the bathroom where he rinsed his face with cold water and dried it, leaning heavily on the sink with his eyes closed afterwards as he tried to push all thoughts of Oswald out.

He looked up then, taking in his reflection in the mirror. He couldn’t help but notice how tired he looked, even with his glasses off it was evident. He sighed and reached for his glasses when he noticed a dark shape in the mirror behind him. 

“Hello old friend.”

Ed gasped loudly upon seeing the figure in the mirror, bringing a hand to his chest. He whirled around, pushing his glasses back onto his face, and found himself staring at none other than Oswald. “O-Oswald? How, how are you here. I shot you, pushed you into the river.”

“Yes you did,” Oswald said simply, trailing his eyes down Ed’s body and back up, a small smirk on his face. 

Ed felt exposed suddenly, standing there in his bathroom dressed in only a white shirt and his boxer briefs. It’s not as though Oswald hasn’t seen him in such a state of undress before. There had been moments at the mansion where Oswald had barged into his room, unannounced, while Ed was in the middle of changing but now was not like those times. It was the way Oswald was looking at him now. It was, different. Ed gulped at the implication of such a look. 

He shook his head slightly trying to clear his mind. He only had only just attempted to kill Oswald a few days ago. Who knew what Oswald was here to do? He was probably here to kill him, and right now, Oswald had the upper hand. He could be armed and here Ed was with nothing to defend himself with.

And yet, Ed felt a strange feeling wash over him. Relief? Happiness? Oswald was here, alive and he didn’t understand why but he felt like smiling. Ed was actually happy to see Oswald. But why? Just a few days ago he had wanted the man dead but now, seeing him in front of him, it was all Ed could do to not rush straight to him and wrap him up in his arms.

“How, how are you here? How did you find me? You should have died in that river Oswald. How did you manage to survive? Who tended to your wound? And,” Ed took a moment to pause looking, really looking, at Oswald. “Why is it that you’re still dressed like that?”

Ed frowned slightly as he took in Oswald’s full appearance. He was damp, his hair matted down over his forehead and Ed could see the blood stains on his suit. His usual alabaster skin looked paler than usual and his lips had a blue tint to them. Then there was his eyes, their usual green luster was missing and instead dull, empty eyes looked back at him. Something wasn’t right. It had been days since their altercation at the docks. Unless...

“You’re not, you’re not actually here are you.” Ed walked towards Oswald then, reaching a hand out to touch his shoulder only to have it pass through. “I’m hallucinating.” Ed says at last, his eyes going wide. Disappointment and sadness flooded through him. Oswald really was dead. 

“Don’t look so surprised Ed, after all, this is what you wanted. Isn’t it? Me, dead. I have to say I’m impressed. Even after everything you still went ahead and shot me in cold blood.” Oswald, or not-Oswald said to him with a twisted smile. “I always knew you had it in you.”

-

Ed was tired. He had successfully gotten away with another one of his schemes, giving the GCPD the run around yet again with them having no idea where to find him. He was accumulating power, making a name for himself, but it wasn’t enough. He wasn’t happy with the results anymore. Why wasn’t it enough?

“You know exactly why,” Oswald said, appearing 

“Go away!” Ed shouted.

“I’m afraid I can’t do that Ed. Not yet anyway.”

“Why? Why are you even here Oswald?” Ed pleaded. He just wanted to be left alone.

“You know exactly why I’m here. I’m surprised it’s taking you this long to figure it out,” Oswald said with a laugh.

“Why can’t you just tell me!”

“I thought you were supposed to be the smart one Ed. Figure it out.”

-

Ed made his way down the length of the docks and stopped at the end. This is where it all, truly, started. The moment that defined him all those months ago. 

This is where he had killed Oswald Cobblepot. His best friend. 

As Ed looked out at the water he couldn’t help it as a feel of sadness and regret swept over him. The past few month without Oswald had been hard, especially with his hallucination of Oswald lurking around, waiting to criticise Ed’s every move. But, in some way, Ed figures he deserves it. After what he did to Oswald? This is probably his brain’s own way of punishing himself for ruining the best thing he had in his life.

At the time, Ed hadn’t realized it but Ed needed him. He needed Oswald. It was only now that Ed was able to see it, but it was too late. He took a deep breath and took off his hat, tucking it under his arm as in his hands he held a single white lily.

“Hello Oswald, a lot has happened since I last saw you. Of course, when that happened I was the one killing you but… That hardly matters now I think. I… I’ve missed you, more than I thought I would. You were right all along Oswald. You were right. You can’t have one without the other.”

I… I’m grateful to you Oswald. You always believed in me you know? You took a chance on me and trusted me and I was so clouded by my anger that I couldn’t see it. I couldn’t see that by trying to ruin you I was ruining the best thing that had ever happened to me.” Ed twirled the lily around between his fingers. “Finding you that day in the woods, bringing you back to my apartment. That was the best thing that could have happened to me. You were the best thing and I… I need you.”

Ed let out a deep sigh. “I don’t know what to do Oswald. I’ve made a lot of progress since you’ve been gone but, I’m stuck. I don’t know where to go from here. I need your advice. Your council. You. I know it’s too late for that now but I’ve been so lonely without you.”

“You know, I did love you Oswald. I just couldn’t admit it to myself, because that would have been admitting to weakness. But these past few months without you have been the hardest I’ve ever had and I’ve realized something. Love isn’t a weakness, it’s a strength. You reached that conclusion long before I did Oswald.” He paused and took a breath before throwing the single lily he brought with him into the water below. “I wish you were here with me. If you were, I’d like to think that you’d be proud of me. You would be, wouldn’t you?”

“I would be.”

Ed turned and saw his Oswald, a fabrication of his mind standing next to him looking at him softly. Oswald smiled at him then, a true, genuine smile, not one of the twisted ones Ed had grown so accustomed to seeing. And Ed, for the first time in a long time, smiled back. He may not have Oswald there with him physically but, at least he had his beautiful hallucination to keep him company.

-

He had finally done it. He rose to the top, finally accepted himself for the villain that he is, and established himself as a big powerplayer in Gotham. The Riddler he was being called, he couldn’t think of a more appropriate name. He’d like to think that Oswald would have thought it suited him.

Ed missed Oswald more than ever and wished that he could share his life together with him but, that chance is long gone now. However, after his confession down at the docks his hallucination of Oswald had been popping up more and more. He doesn’t know when the shift happened but, there definitely had been a change. This Oswald was kinder, gentler, and looked much like the man he knew when Oswald was still alive. Also, he was no longer soaked with river water so that was a plus.

If he was being honest, Ed had grown an attachment to him. Logically, Ed knew that Oswald was a hallucination and that he wasn’t real. That it wasn’t logical to be in love with a figment of his imagination. That most people would think him insane for being in a pseudo-relationship with someone long dead, but he didn’t care. If this was the only way that he could have Oswald, then so be it. He stopped feeling weird about this weeks ago.

Ed walked into his apartment and spotted Oswald standing over by the table, a stern look on his face. Here we go, Ed thought, not being able to help the soft smile on his face.

“Hello old friend,” Oswald greeted.

“Hello Oswald,” Ed replied before he turned towards to kitchen in search of food.

Oswald looked at Ed, clearly surprised at his reply. “That’s all you have to say to me? ‘Hello Oswald?’”

Ed rolled his eyes affectionately. This wasn’t the first time his Oswald gave him attitude. “You started it. Old friend? You only call me that when you’re disappointed in me. What did I do this time?” Ed paused and turned to face Oswald, leaning against the counter. “Was it the execution or the fact that I talked too much beforehand? Don’t give me that look. Don’t think I didn’t notice that you left mid interrogation. The man was going to die anyway, what did it matter what I told him?”

Oswald didn’t say anything. He just continued to stare at Ed with a weird expression on his face.

Ed sighed. “Never mind, I already know. Look Oswald, I know you don’t like it very much and think that it’s better to get right to the point but, I love the dramatics of it all. You know this. I do wish you didn’t leave when that happens though. It’s distressing.” 

Ed turned back around then and moved to pull food to prepare out of the fridge. “Oh, but after you left I did get him to talk. It’s exactly as we thought, I thought. But don’t worry I took care of that little problem before coming home. What should we eat for dinner? I was thinking of preparing some chicken parmesan. It’ll take awhile but it will be worth it don’t you think?”

This is what Ed meant. Here he was asking Oswald what they should eat when he knows full well that Oswald isn’t there. That he is, essentially, talking to himself. Most people would find it weird that he comes home and talks about his day with Oswald but Ed loves it. This way he can pretend that Oswald is still here. This way he doesn’t feel the guilt and regret for killing Oswald. This way he can pretend he is happy and not utterly heartbroken at the notion of never seeing Oswald again.

“What are you talking about?” Oswald asked sounding confused which, hm, was odd.

“It’s the pasta. You know I prefer making them from scratch.” Ed was still bustling around the kitchen, pulling out the things he needed as he replied so he didn’t see Oswald slowly making his way towards him. “Sure it takes more time but, it’s only noon. Today’s meeting was a lot shorter than I expected it to be so the rest of my day is free.”

Soon Oswald was standing only a few feet away from Ed who was currently rifling around in a cabinet trying to locate his pasta roller. Ed turned then and almost jumped at his close proximity.

“Oh! Oswald you startled me. I didn’t even hear you come closer.” Ed laughed at his own comment. Of course he wouldn’t have been able to hear him he’s not really there. Ed frown slightly at the thought and sidestepped Oswald, taking care to not accidentally touch him. The last thing he needed was yet another reminder that Oswald wasn’t really there. “Did you want to learn how to make the pasta? It’s simple really. First, you have to-”

“Ed!”

Ed closed his mouth at Oswald’s sudden outburst and turned to look at him. What had he done wrong?

“What are you- Why? Why are you talking to me about pasta? Of all things!”

“Oswald I, I don’t understand what are you’re talking about. Why are you angry with me?” Ed said with a frown. Why was his Oswald yelling at him? He never yelled. Not even before his confession at the docks. He talked loudly sometimes sure, but never outright yelled at him. Ed didn’t like it.

“Why am I angry with you? You shot me! You pushed me into the river and left me for dead! I’m not angry with you, I am furious! How could you do that to me! After everything I’ve done for you!”

“Why are you doing this to me? Why now? Why are you hurting me like this?” Ed was crying now. He didn’t want to think about that; how he killed Oswald. Why was this happening? “I’m sorry Oswald! I’m so so sorry! I didn’t mean to kill you! I mean, I did but I’ve regretted it! You know I have!”

Ed pulled his legs to his chest and wrapped his arms around them from where he was seated on the floor. When did he get there? “There isn’t a day that goes by where I don’t miss you. Please stop yelling at me. I didn’t mean to kill you… I didn’t mean it. I didn’t mean it.”

“Ed? Ed!” Oswald knelt on the floor next to Ed who was had tucked his head down against his knees and was shaking. “Ed I’m not dead, I’m right here.”

“No you’re not. I know I like to pretend otherwise to make myself feel less alone but I know you’re not real. I know you’re just a hallucination.”

Oswald’s eyes widened in realization. “You think I’m a hallucination?”

“No, I don’t think,” Ed spat out. “I know you are.”

“I’m not a hallucination Ed.”

“Yes you are!” Ed exclaimed looked up at Oswald. “I’m not stupid! I know you are. You were right all along Oswald. We need each other, you and I. I wouldn’t have become the person I am today without you and for that I’m so grateful but, I can’t stand the thought of not being with you. It haunts me every day. It’s the only reason why you’re here at all. I know it’s just my brain’s way of coping. I love you Oswald, I know that now, I just wish I had realized it sooner. I was too blinded by my own anger to see the truth, but not you. You knew all along and I’m sorry. I’m so so sorry. I’d ask for forgiveness but it’s too late for that now. Too late…”

“Ed…” Oswald reached a hand towards Ed’s face but Ed shook his head and scooted himself away.

“No don’t! Don’t… I don’t need another reminded that you’re not really here.”

Oswald’s face looked positively heartbroken at Ed statement, but he moved closer to him and reach his hand up again.

“Oswald please, don’t.” More tears began to spill over onto Ed’s cheeks as he watched Oswald move his hand towards his face. Ed shut his eyes then. He didn’t want to see it. Didn’t want to watch when Oswald’s hand would inevitably pass through him. He didn’t want that reminder.

“Ed, open your eyes.”

“No.”

“Ed please, look at me.”

“No. I can’t. won’t.”

“Ed…” Oswald placed his hand on Ed’s cheek then and gently wiped his tears from them. Ed gasped at the sensation and his eyes flew open. He looked at Oswald’s face, his eyes taking it in.

“Oswald?” Ed asked tentatively, not believing his own eyes. There’s no way. Surely this must be his mind playing tricks on him. He reached his own hand up and gently cupped Oswald’s face. Fresh tears began to fill Ed’s eyes. “You’re really here.”

“Yes, I am.”

Ed threw himself forward then, wrapping his arms around Oswald and holding him tightly as he buried his face into his neck. “You’re alive. You’re alive. You’re alive.” He whispered over and over as he cried from happiness.

Oswald wrapped his own arms around Ed and held him close to him. “I am. I’m here. I’m here. I’m not going anywhere. I’m here.”

This was definitely not what Oswald had expected when he showed up at Ed’s place. He fully expected the for Ed to be angry or at least surprised. Oswald had a whole speech planned out. He was going to tell Ed that he forgave him and that he had seen all that he accomplished and was proud of him, that he still loved him. 

Ed wasn’t sure how much time had past as he clung onto Oswald. He never wanted to let go. He was scared that if he did, Oswald might disappear. When he finally pulled away he kept his arms wrapped around Oswald, refusing to let go for even a moment. “How are you alive?”

Oswald took a breath and let it out slowly. “It’s a long story but the short version is that even with the injury I was able to swim my way close to the shoreline. I washed up there and was found. My wound was treated and I was able to heal.”

“Where have you been? I thought you were dead. I went back to the mansion a few times hoping…” Ed shook his head. “I never saw you there.”

“That’s because I never went back there. That would have been too obvious. I’d been in hiding along with Gabe and this nice young homeless girl I met. She’s quite the whiz with plants and herbal remedies.” Oswald laughed at the memory. 

“Girl? She treated your wounds?”

“Oh no, definitely not she’s just a kid. She did however give me things to help with the pain.”

Ed winced at that. He caused Oswald so much pain. He hated himself for it. “I’m so sorry Oswald.”

“Hey, it’s okay. I made it through didn’t I? I’m right here with you.” Oswald said smiling softly at Ed.

Ed smiled back at Oswald before frowning slightly. “Wait, why are you here?”

“Honestly, I missed you. I’ve been watching you, you know. I’ve seen everything you’ve accomplished and I’m impressed. I came here to tell you that I forgive you for everything. That I still love you. I was hoping that you’d be willing to let me back into your life.” 

“Really? Even after everything I’ve done?”

“Yes, Ed. That’s what you do when you love someone. You forgive them. You know, my mother always told me. Life only gives you one true love. When you find it, run to it. You’re my one true love Ed. I will always forgive you. I love you.”

“Did you know that when magellanic penguins mate with the same partner every breeding season? Even after spending thousands of miles apart they always return to the same nest and same breeding partner.”

Oswald gave Ed a confused look. “Ed, what-”

“Your mother was a wise woman Oswald. I believe she was right in saying that in life you only have one true love.” Ed moved his hand to cup Oswald face. “What I’m trying to say is that I love you too Oswald. I do. I know that now. I don’t ever want to be apart from you. I need you and I want you in my life always.”

Ed leaned forward and gently pressed his lips against Oswald’s. He felt him still for a moment before pushing forward himself, kissing Ed back. Ed moved to pull away but Oswald brought his hand up and placed it on Ed’s cheek, encouraging him to stay there as they prolonged the kiss. When Oswald finally pulled away to breathe he was smiling at Ed and Ed was smiling back at him.

“Join me for dinner?” Ed said gesturing at the ingredients sitting on his countertops. “I’m making chicken parmesan.”

“I’d love to,” Oswald replied giving Ed one more quick kiss before moving to get up. “We have a lot to catch up on. Tell me about this plan of yours, why did you kill a man this morning?”

Ed smiled as he stood up and helped Oswald to his feet. He couldn’t help it as he wrapped his arms around Oswald again and whispered, “I’m so happy you’re here. Please never leave me again.” 

“I promise. Never again.” Oswald whispered back, holding Ed close. “You’re stuck with me now.”

“Good. I wouldn’t have it any other way.”

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry. But thanks for reading regardless.


End file.
